Death note.

They were strangers to me until they become apart of my life journey.

I dont even know them. Benda ni semua mula since aku dilantik jadi SPR. I don't even ask for this post and dont even want to. Yes , i admit that i was enjoy doing my job as ketua biro filtrasi. But things changed. It turns upside down.

Okay , here it is.

I met Fikri for the first time during the debat training. Yes , at first , he is the junior that i the most for some reasons. Haha , but. People changed. I changed. I open up my mind. I open up my heart and i think i open it up to someone who deserve it. Fikri used to be my calon bwp and now he's not. But aku bersyukur gila at least he got a post here. The problem is not him but his friend.

Honestly i dont want to write this but i have to. I dont want to keep it anymore. Its suffocating me. I met people. Faiz.

Yes , he's totally a hell and also a heaven. But who cares. I care. This guy changed my life. I turned up to be someone that i dont want to. I HAVE TO.

I am someone who dont simply fall for people either in friendship or love. It is so sucks when you give urself easily to someone. Think about it. You build up ur own stand and its not took a day to build it up. You have to stand for urself. You dont need time to build it. What you really need are experiences. You have to fall back down and please. Stand up back. Yes , i have to say that i met faiz also for reasons. He's one of the bwp and guess what. Im one of the people who pushed him so hard. Well , that WAS me.

So one day , let me summarize the story hehe. He got mad and said everything to me. Yes. Everything. I was like seriously this is faiz? Haha. Yes definitely he is. Then , i learned that it was me who should alter my own ego. Well , i did it ((kot)). Lets not talk about this because i forgave him and all of them(( lets start a new life)) .

14/7/15. Published ;)

Just go.

Im nothing. There's nothing special about me. About what kind of person i am , about who am i in some people's life. I just guess that im nothing.

Somehow they are something for me. Sometimes they were everything for me. Family , friends , God. I just cant imagine my life without them. Yes , i live but i cant survive. I laugh in front of them but im crying hard inside here. Deep down here. I struggle hard to win people's heart. Everyone's heart. But i lost my self while trying to catch you. Who are you ?

To keep survive is hard but its harder to see someone you used being closed to , treat you like a stranger. Its getting harder when you realize that your bestfriend is actually not a best friend. You find yourself lost at some point but you keep survive. For what? Its useless.

Sometimes you hope that you are heartless. So you dont have to take care of people's feelings and you just live in your own world. But as i said , it hurts. Its like someone is killing you inside but you still alive outside. And you have to listen about what people said. You obey them.

You realize that you cant leave them because they are only people that you have. You have to put aside your feelings , your heart , your ego , your emo just to give them your smile , your wealth and your everything. Inside here , you're dying. You're dying at an age that you shouldn't be. Yes , we dont live to please people but we did it. Congratulations , you are great.

Its been a while :)

Assalamualaikum guys :)

So its been a while since i haven't update anything to this wall. Yeah , im finding a new life. A new kind of me. Well, things went bad and sometimes good too hahaha. Yes i admit that i love my life even at some point aku rasa cam hidup aku lah paling teruk sekali antara semua orang. Many things happened and i cant just type it here wehhhhh hahaha

Okay first yang aku ingat lah kan , yes SPR . Suruhanjaya Pilihanraya Maktab . Hahaha maybe it seems like leceh ah apa lah tapi at last doa aku makbul alhamdulillah hehehe. Yes , tough gila kerja bagai nak rak hmm. Result pun jatuh doh like seriously biology daripada A jatuh sampai D god siapa tak down kalau camtu. Pastu aku sedih gila rasa cam bodohnyaaa. Hmm but nvm , i found people are very supportive. I met juniors :)) They great like seriously baik gila best gila kawan ngan dorang ceh. Well i also met someone hypocrites lol. Biarlah dia hahaha.

Then then nak tau takkkkkk. Im officially SEVENTEEN YAY ME YAYYYY hahahahaha. God bless me. And maybe this is not the best birthday celebration ever but dont worry it was not the worst hehehe. Ramai nya wish and i got presents too hehehe thank you :)

But somehow i found people are sooo annoying when i put my whole trust into them. Know what? They crahed it to the ground. Well people changed. Faris tak wish pun lol Yasmeen punn lol. Siapa lagi eh taak ingat tapi sumpah ah aku terasa gila doh. Like seriously i miss our old friendship dude. Faris hang mana ingat aku dah so aku bye hang okay? BYEE :'))

And i have my own squad. But at some point i dont really think that i am apart from them. Cam tah ahh. Ada rasa something kat dalam ni ha. Rasa lonely sangat. But , i keep them safe and sound in my heart. Dont let them in. Dont let them see. Conceal, dont feel :)

Thats all thank you .

Your past , 

Izzuddin :)

Mampus lah .

Yes , I used to be called as one of the most sensitive person that you have ever met in your life. So what. Aku punya cerita mampus akulah. Yang tak tahu apa langsung , you guys are so judgemental. Well you guys should be.

Nak cakap aku tak terima nasihat ? Ha. Pergi mati sana. Penat bodoh dengar nasihat korang , ikut nasihat korang. Last last kepala aku cam bola sepak. Congrats people. Yes , i do have friends , i do have bestfriends and i do have my own soulmate. Tapi kalau korang kawan dengan orang yang psychopath , sorry to say lah sial. I'll try my best to survive by my own self. Dude , say what aku banyak jumpa orang lah. Banyak ragam. Come on lah.

Haah memang aku sorang je mulut jahat kan. Semua yang lain kan perfect cam anak haram. Pergi mampus ah nak emo ke apa ke. Penat bodoh cover happy depan korang. Sebab korang lah mulut aku cam cibai. Kalau nak tahulah. Okay fine.

So lepas ni aku try lah tak nak langsung terlibat dengan korang punya hal. Hargai orang yang tak hargai kita rasa cam sampah pun ada. Say what dah pi mampus sana.

S i a *

So its have been a while . I got soooo many stories but ugh panjangnya nak cerita nya pun. Hmm. 2015. You got be kidding me right. Come on , this is not a good beginning of the year. Yes , banyak gila jadi. I do remove people from my life. God is fair enough say what. I did it for my own sake. Enough. Not selfish , but too tired of being hurts by everyone. So , i won't let them close enough to hurt me again. Aku sedar siapa yang patut aku percaya. Siapa yang patut aku sayang. Well , i love people more than they love me. This sucks.

Know what ? It hurts. Jadi aku. Cuba aku bagi someone untuk hidup kat tempat aku. Bagi sehari je. Kau takkan tahan. Kau sakit sangat. Tapi kau kena senyum kat luar. Even bila kau sedih tahap setan , kau senyum gak. Tapi sometimes aku langsung tak kesah apa orang cakap. Aku emo sendiri. Ego aku tinggi. Susah jadi aku. Kau takkan sanggup.

Hidup yang hampir 13 tahun tak bersama insan bergelar ayah. Yes , i reveal a little bit about me. Come on. Its always me who cares about other people's lives. Oh crap.

Hidup yang hati kau tak selalu tenang. Susah sangat kau nak gembira. Susah sangat. Kadang kadang aku benci hidup aku. Perasaan selalu campur. Selalu over thinking about something. Aku risau sangat. Bila aku sayang orang , aku selalu sakit. Sakit hati. Sebab sayang sangat. Tapi , bila sekali aku sayang orang , biar Allah yang putuskan persahabatan aku. See. Aku je yang kena. Nangis ? Penat dah bro. Nangis senyap senyap. Aku sunyi. Tapi manusia lain kisah apa. Sampah , macam aku. Apa kau nak cakap , cakap ah. Tak rasa jangan judge .

Truly me , reveal .

This time , I'll reveal a little bit the actually me. I pretend a lot in front of people. I cried a lot behind these people. I smile a little in this life and I waste my tears on people who gave me bullshit.

Know what happened to my parents ? This will be the most big secret in my whole life. Yes , love is sucks. Im afraid of love. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of being left hanging. That's love. I tried my best to not fall in love with someone because i know that its killing me inside.

What's my next step ?

I tested many people. I tested them by hurting myself. I hurt myself. Aku korbankan apa yang aku rasa. Aku tak nak apa yang jadi antara mama ngan ayah aku jadi jugak dekat kawan kawan aku. I'd swear , I love them in silence.

How did I test people ?

23/1/15. Yes , aku mengaku yang aku kawan dengan lelaki lagi rapat daripada perempuan. It would be nice if you don't judge me by listening to my life story. Maybe my life's story is not that interesting as you guys have. But I realized that , I am lesson in people's lives. Im not a bless. I came into their life to give them shits and a piece of sweets and a box of popcorns. To tell them how much life can fear them. How sweet is life? How shit is life? Yes , I do believe that Allah puts me here to make me stronger and keep moving on. Even though I got times that I cried hardly.

Zakwan and Amirah 's story. How i put myself there? Haha. It's kinda funny to know that Zakwan is dumper. Penipu. But , it's keputusan dia apa dia nak buat lepas ni. I'm totally tired of putting myself in some people's life. Totally fucked up. Okay. Here we go. I pretend to be like a hmm bestfriend lah. Its not pretend. Its true , i treat him as my best soulmate but. I told you he dumped me. I just want to see the power of their love. Its complicated. Amirah and Zakwan is something. So i leave the game.

Faris and Yah 's story. Hmm. This is one of the part that hurts me a lot. Yeah , Faris. We used to be close before this and i don't know what happened. We don't talk. We don't chat. The thing is when one night i said something to Yah that i think it's the most stupid thing i ever said. I told her that please don't marry you and i was joking rasanya. She thought that I was envy with you guys and the thing is she thought that im the one who want you and things went fucked. Yeah i know mesti Yah fikir aku cam gay kan cakap camtu. Yeah. Know what? I planned something for you guys.

I just want to see if she's really care about you. So i pretend that i know everything about you Faris. But yeah she won haha. There's lot of stories about us. Aku, kau and Yah. But kalau tulis kat sini, susah. The main thing is i don't want you guys hurt because of love semua ni. Trust me, it sucks. Seeing my parents pun dah cukup untuk aku buat semua ni. Make some people annoyed with me for their sake but its me who sacrifice a lot for their sake. Hm. I know that my doing was wrong and Im sorry. I really mean it. Sorry Yah , sorry Faris.

So this is the a piece of my life. See , I reveal it for someone's sake. This will never stop.

Love All , Trust a Few ? Sorry but before this I Love a Few but I Trust All. This is me swallowing my pride here.

Published.

Pissed Off.

Sebab bila kau tak tahu kau nak luah kan dekat siapa. Apa yang kau rasa apa yang kau pendam apa yang kau rahsia sangat. Kau rasa sunyi sangat. Sangat sangat sunyi. Sebab kau tak ada tempat untuk kau luahkan semuanya.

Orang yang kau harap dorang boleh dengar kau bila kau dalam keadaan yang sangat sangat teruk , semua tak ada. Bukan pergi , tapi melupakan. Pedihnya siapa tahu. Mulut boleh je kata 'i feel you' tapi hakikatnya they don't. Never. And they pissed me off. What happen to the old us ? Really ? Is this what i get from trying ?

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"Hai @idzhrnrzr ;)"
" apa "
" saja tegur haha "
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" @sy4fiqme weh weh weh"
" apa "
" ...kau rasa aku nak deep ke tak ni haha "
" ikut kau ah "
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Seems like all of us are done yeah ? I tried my best and this is what i got. Yes people do come and go but I never thought that feelings come and go too. But it seems Im wrong hah. Dah lah udin , kau ni apa je.

Too sick to say sorry so i say goodbye. I really hope things changed before its late. I really mean it. Sumpah. Aku takut , sebab korang dah mula buat aku nak lupakan korang. Even im not going to do so but if you guys treat me like an option , I'll leave you like choice.

Where do broken hearts go ? Come on ! Im too young to feel this empty !

11 January , Published.