Truly me , reveal .

This time , I'll reveal a little bit the actually me. I pretend a lot in front of people. I cried a lot behind these people. I smile a little in this life and I waste my tears on people who gave me bullshit.

Know what happened to my parents ? This will be the most big secret in my whole life. Yes , love is sucks. Im afraid of love. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of being left hanging. That's love. I tried my best to not fall in love with someone because i know that its killing me inside.

What's my next step ?

I tested many people. I tested them by hurting myself. I hurt myself. Aku korbankan apa yang aku rasa. Aku tak nak apa yang jadi antara mama ngan ayah aku jadi jugak dekat kawan kawan aku. I'd swear , I love them in silence.

How did I test people ?

23/1/15. Yes , aku mengaku yang aku kawan dengan lelaki lagi rapat daripada perempuan. It would be nice if you don't judge me by listening to my life story. Maybe my life's story is not that interesting as you guys have. But I realized that , I am lesson in people's lives. Im not a bless. I came into their life to give them shits and a piece of sweets and a box of popcorns. To tell them how much life can fear them. How sweet is life? How shit is life? Yes , I do believe that Allah puts me here to make me stronger and keep moving on. Even though I got times that I cried hardly.

Zakwan and Amirah 's story. How i put myself there? Haha. It's kinda funny to know that Zakwan is dumper. Penipu. But , it's keputusan dia apa dia nak buat lepas ni. I'm totally tired of putting myself in some people's life. Totally fucked up. Okay. Here we go. I pretend to be like a hmm bestfriend lah. Its not pretend. Its true , i treat him as my best soulmate but. I told you he dumped me. I just want to see the power of their love. Its complicated. Amirah and Zakwan is something. So i leave the game.

Faris and Yah 's story. Hmm. This is one of the part that hurts me a lot. Yeah , Faris. We used to be close before this and i don't know what happened. We don't talk. We don't chat. The thing is when one night i said something to Yah that i think it's the most stupid thing i ever said. I told her that please don't marry you and i was joking rasanya. She thought that I was envy with you guys and the thing is she thought that im the one who want you and things went fucked. Yeah i know mesti Yah fikir aku cam gay kan cakap camtu. Yeah. Know what? I planned something for you guys.

I just want to see if she's really care about you. So i pretend that i know everything about you Faris. But yeah she won haha. There's lot of stories about us. Aku, kau and Yah. But kalau tulis kat sini, susah. The main thing is i don't want you guys hurt because of love semua ni. Trust me, it sucks. Seeing my parents pun dah cukup untuk aku buat semua ni. Make some people annoyed with me for their sake but its me who sacrifice a lot for their sake. Hm. I know that my doing was wrong and Im sorry. I really mean it. Sorry Yah , sorry Faris.

So this is the a piece of my life. See , I reveal it for someone's sake. This will never stop.

Love All , Trust a Few ? Sorry but before this I Love a Few but I Trust All. This is me swallowing my pride here.

Published.

Pissed Off.

Sebab bila kau tak tahu kau nak luah kan dekat siapa. Apa yang kau rasa apa yang kau pendam apa yang kau rahsia sangat. Kau rasa sunyi sangat. Sangat sangat sunyi. Sebab kau tak ada tempat untuk kau luahkan semuanya.

Orang yang kau harap dorang boleh dengar kau bila kau dalam keadaan yang sangat sangat teruk , semua tak ada. Bukan pergi , tapi melupakan. Pedihnya siapa tahu. Mulut boleh je kata 'i feel you' tapi hakikatnya they don't. Never. And they pissed me off. What happen to the old us ? Really ? Is this what i get from trying ?

.
.
"Hai @idzhrnrzr ;)"
" apa "
" saja tegur haha "
.
.

" @sy4fiqme weh weh weh"
" apa "
" ...kau rasa aku nak deep ke tak ni haha "
" ikut kau ah "
.
.
.
.

Seems like all of us are done yeah ? I tried my best and this is what i got. Yes people do come and go but I never thought that feelings come and go too. But it seems Im wrong hah. Dah lah udin , kau ni apa je.

Too sick to say sorry so i say goodbye. I really hope things changed before its late. I really mean it. Sumpah. Aku takut , sebab korang dah mula buat aku nak lupakan korang. Even im not going to do so but if you guys treat me like an option , I'll leave you like choice.

Where do broken hearts go ? Come on ! Im too young to feel this empty !

11 January , Published.

Past To Future .

Dear Udin , kenapa ni kau susah sangat nak survive ni. Kenapa ni. Apa yang kau dah buat ya. Hmm kau kenapa dulu suka sangat mengalah ? Suka sangat baik ngan orang lain ? Hmm aku tak rasa pun kau baik sangat udin haha.

You still can't let go of the past rite ? You were leaved hanging. Always rite ? If 'nevermind' is the most word that you love , from now on , forget it. Please lah let go of the past. Cuma don't forget about it. They were lessons for you and things or people in front of you right now , is a blessing. So , buka mata luas luas tampar pipi kau and tengok semua kat depan kau. Jangan pandang belakang lagi dah.

Yeah I know you're having a very very hard times in these few couple years right ? Yeah , your problems are growing up , Izzuddin. Yeah you'll read this as future Izzuddin and im here as your past okay. Hmm if you are reading this , how's your family ? Mama dah okay belum. Masih marah dekat ayah ke? Adik cane ? Akademik dia semua okay tak? Your past is bad and sometimes its good. How's your friends now? Makin kurang ke makin ramai? Baik jangan ramai sangat tau Izzuddin , jangan macam sekarang ni. Kau peramah sangat sampai semua kau tegur and kau ended up nangis bagai nak rak sebab kawan kau yang ada ngan kau bila kau jatuh , boleh kira pakai jari. So dear future , cari kawan yang paling kau rasa perfect even they're not. How's your life now Izzuddin ? Just to inform you that your life for these couple years are quite bad. And sometimes not (kot). Aku percaya sekarang ni mesti kau dah move on kan. Kau dah kuat even kadang kadang kau sunyi sangat. Ye lah kau ingat tak dulu Din , ada someone ni kata dia nampak kau cam kosong sangat. Macam dia tahu kau memang kosong sangat kat dalam. Hahaha kau waktu tu nak tumbuk dia doh Din. Kau ingat takk niiii haha. Izzuddin , jangan lupa kau pernah disakiti dan kau pun pernah menyakiti. So , jangan kata Allah tak adil ya udin sayang. Kau kena banyak sabar sebab aku rasa hidup kau unik kot hm kau ada complicated relationship ngan kawan ngan family pun haha. Aku harap sekarang ni waktu kau baca ni maybe kau dah ada cinta kat someone ke apa ke uhuks.

Dear future Izzuddin ,

Kau tahu tak dulu kan kau tak suka cinta. Cam kau tak percaya pun cinta tu wujud en haha. Kau hanya percaya yang kau sayang gila kawan kawan kau. Kau pun cam gay pun ada lesbian pun ada. Kau rasa cam nak peluk semua orang tak kira laki ke perempuan. Hm aku harap kau yang sekarang ni makin better lah makin hensem ke hahahaha ye lah waktu kau tulis post ni kau tak hensem mana pun ceh hahaha. I'll pray for a very better life for you ya Izzuddin  ;)

                                Your past ,

                      Izzuddin Fakri Hamdan

2014 The Last Part

And the last should be a very happy ending , they thought. But , things always changed i dont know why oh Allah. Hmm.

Certain people do know me well. Do feel me as well. I found that i have a very long journey to go. That i must face all type of people. Egoistic , emotional , hypocrite , kind and so on. See ? World is full of lie. Haha. I met people. And some of them, i set them free. Let them flying. I just can't bear too much pain.

So its the end. And guess what. I really hope that 2014 will end cepat sikit and now its end. Tahun yang paling banyak air mata dibazirkan untuk manusia manusia. Actually tak bazir sangat pun. They were my worst mistake and my best lesson. They taught me how to deal with people that susah sangat nak appreciate orang lain. People taught me to appreciate people around me who cares about me but i didn't. Aku tak perasan pun ada yang kisah pasal aku.

Aku nampak ramai sangat yang sakit. Sakit hati. Semua sebab hubungan. Friendship , love , family . so how ? Hmm. That's why aku takut sangat bila nak buat sth. Takut nak rasa macam mana cinta lepas rasa macam mana pedihnya dalam hubungan persahabatan. Kau tak faham. Kalau kau faham pun , tak sama dengan apa aku rasa. Maybe kau ada masalah kau and sorry aku pun tak boleh nak rasa pedih kau seratus peratus. Haha.

2014. Well too much words to describe this year. Hope that 2015 is the year where i do appreciate people and people do love me as i do. Hehehe. Btw , target aku nak single sampai kahwin lah hahaha. Anddd im single but unavailable okay ? I'll try my best in everything this year hmm. Biar lah takdak bae ke girlfriend ke sweetheart ke haih. Nak wat cane tak attractive hahahahahahaha lol. At least ada jugak orang aku sayang tahap bae en em gay couple ni aduh gawat ni. Well people are being sucks when they thought everything's negative about the word gay duhhh. Cewah ada bakat ni nak bagi ceramah haha. Okay 2014 , i gonna miss you. Goodbye , thank you for everything and sorry for nothing k.

                                 Your past ,

                               Izzuddin Fakri

2014 Part Two .

I used to see crying as a weakness. And i tried so hard to never cry for so long. I can't anymore. I want to , just want to show others how do i feel most of the time , but i just unable to.

Thank you Allah. You taught me many things bout life. About people. About siapa kawan siapa setan. About kenapa perlunya ada perpisahan. So here it is , people. Yeah i do have people who always support me bila aku nak buat keputusan ke apa ke. Aku tanya dulu dorang ni ha. Team aku ni ha , intanisa lol. Well actually ada lagi , yang selalu contact aku lah . hmm. Tah la. Rasa cam pejam celik dah setahun dah lalu. Dah setahun dapat survive tanpa mereka mereka ni ha. Batch penghulu 98'. Biar lah dorang tak sayang aku ke apa ke yang penting aku sayang dorang. Haha.

Taiping. You're such a ughhh very bala betul tapi nasib baik. Nasib baik jumpa manusia yang faham apa tu friendship. Apa itu bond . apa itu sayang . apa itu kawan apa itu sahabat. Well Allah do puts me in a very hard condition. Bila orang yang kita sayang , kita kena letak belakang. Tinggalkan. Hmm. Nevermind , life goes on. I found people who don't underestimate me much haha thank you. But i do miss the old people. The old me. Haha.

Thank you Haziq , kau kasi aku disiplin haha. Aku cam envy ah orang yang selalu buat benda awal awal haha so i followed you. Bangun awal em em em at least i tried ok hahahaha tah la dari maktab lama tak suka bangun awal haha. And haziq ajar aku english hahaha ye ke lol. Tah lah sejak kau masuk taiping en well kau second intake yang genius , aku cam inspire gak nak speak in English so i do. Hewhew . Kita dah ah banyak rahsia banyak gosip hahahaha dah ah tak nak describe sini malu aku.

Safwan mekasih sebab teman aku dari form one lagi lohhh hahaha tup tup dah lima tahun kawan ngan hang hahaha even kita cam dah bawa haluan masing masing but still jadi gila en hahaha wishing that our friendship will last forever muah sikit.

Well intan and nisa . birthday kalian tak lama lagi so nanti usha lah post that I'll make okay hahaha aduh tak sangka aku boleh rindu keling cam korang ni ha hahahaha ok done.

Hai Faris Ikmal Madnooq . Terima kasih. Kau sedarkan aku yang aku tak patut hargai orang yang langsung tak kisah kalau aku sakit ke mati ke apa ke sekalipun. Aku cuba doh kawan ngan kau. But things changed , you have Adib Iskandar kan who will hear all your stories kan. Maybe kau tahu masalah aku kan tapi that wouldn't change nothing buddy. Yeah maybe kalau lepas ni aku cam dah malas nak tegur kau , sebab aku penat. Aku asyik hargai orang yang bakal tinggalkan aku. Macam mana dengan orang yang selalu hargai aku ? Selalu tanya aku okay ke tak ? Aku layan dorang cam apa je tau. But from now on , I'll learn to love them. Okay ? Okay. But don't worry , even after this we're not close anymore , i'll always be there when you need me hm.. InsyaAllah ok. Dah la. You are the nice one and kawan aku suka kau hahaha apalah mon hmm. Be happy Faris.

.
.
.

Part three ?

2014 Part One .

Goodbye 2014 . Thank you for everything. Allah made you to make me more stronger dan kenal siapa kawan siapa setan. 2014 is not for me. Too many things happened in a very short time. People do come and go. My friendship do have ups and downs. But , I made it. Haha 2014 filled with tears and some joys.

Thank you Pengkalan Hulu. Kau keluarkan aku pun sebab kau nak tengok aku kuat ke tak kan haha. Kau sumbat aku kat Taiping. Tapi aku tak keseorangan. Kau hantar aku dengan Hafiy, Safwan, Dzarul, Ase, Am, Hafiz, Fahimi em, Hariz pun. Dannn Iman, Farhana, Una, Farah hahaha macam mana tah aku sayang gila kat korang since masuk Taiping. Yeah most of us changed a lot. Aku pun. Aku berubah banyak sangat. Terlalu banyak. Aku tak tau macam mana nak mintak maaf kat korang sebab aku ego dengan korang kadang kadang. Aku asyik salahkan korang most of the time but you guys accepted me as well and that's the best thing I've ever feel. 

Terima kasih new classmates. 402. Mula mula aku annoying gila ngan korang. I can't even see a single thing that can made us jadi kawan or family. But I learned that the past is in the past. Aku kena tinggalkan apa yang ada kat Pengkalan Hulu. Cuma jangan lupakan sebab itu sakit. Pedih sangat. Biarlah dorang tak hargai aku ke apa tapi aku nak dorang tahu yang aku sayang gila korang haha. Then , classmates aku jadi pengubat rindu aku haha. I found that 402 is adorable. Pastu Haziq masuk. Yeah aku mengaku aku rasa first time aku nampak dia, aku rasa cam dia je yang aku rasa boleh faham aku rasanya lah hahaha and my instinct is always righttt. We made it for a year. Aku mintak maaf aku buat salah kat kau. Gedik lebih ke apa. Tipu ke. Kutuk ke. And this time my sorry , i really mean it. Aku nampak kau berat sangat nak tanggung amanah the President of EMC. Aku jujur ah aku memang respect kau. Ramai je kutuk kau tapi kau tau tak hahaha aku backup kau tau. Aku sanggup gaduh gila ngan dorang sebab kau. Hahaha let's made it for one more year and to infinite lol.

Yeah ex pengkalan hulu. Safwan Hafiy Ase Dzarul semuaaa. Yang paling aku rasa nak peluk Hafiy ah tak tau asal hahaha yang paling aku nak borak gila babs Ase lah. Yang paling aku nak buat sweet buat manja ngan Dzarul lah. Yanv paalinggg aku jadi diri aku , dengan safwan lah haha. But others , sorry you guys hurt me so much and I cant write a single thing about you because it hurts.

Terima kasih orang yang tinggalkan aku. Zaidi. Zakwan. Haha semua 'Z'. Yeah we can used to be closed kan Zaidi. But things changed haha dun worry i still care for you even you're not. Zakwan. Kau. Aduh. Dulu waktu kau masuk kan , aku rasa kau gila. Semua benda kau boleh masuk. Kau masuk air. Aduh. Lepastu , kau bercinta dengan mirani ops. Haha. Lepastu kau kata kat aku kau nak pindah. Aku pelik kenapa kau bagitau aku awal awal kau nak pindah tapi yang lain kau saja bagitahu lambat. Hmm. Kau tahu tak saaakkiiittttt. Sakit sangat. Lepastu kita lepak kat belakang kiosk pum ennn. Haha lepastu kau cerita banyak benda. Kau suruh aku tengok bintang. Then , aku tak perasan gila waktu kau cerita satu benda ni aku dah nangis teruk gila. Pastu kau pujuk aku , kau suruh aku jadi cam Mirani , tabah kan haha. Then , kau dah cam berubah. Kau makin pendiam but I feel you hehe.

.
.
.
.
.

Done Part One ;)